Listen Up, Men: Yer all Hella Dumb
In today's "MSN Today" section, an article entitled, "The Male Brain Explained: Why He Can't Remember Your Birthday And More", Laura Schaefer -with the help of today's leading neuroscientists- breaks it down for the ladies; explaining why us men are, like, so fucking stupid.
Let's examine this fine article piece by piece; so we may appreciate all its depth and complexity.
"Women have puzzled over it for years—why the heck do men do the things they do?"
Great start! I mean, for real, Laura -why do men do all those inexplicable things like take showers (just like you), eat lunch (just like you), go to work (just like you), drive cars (just like you), invest in 401(k) plans ("shopping!"), and come november 2nd, vote for Obama (Schaefer: "I'm McCain in the membrane")? What goes (or doesn't go) through their heads?
Continuing:
"Why do they profess their love for you one minute, then ignore you the next (say, when an Attila the Hun special turns up on TV)?"
Sounds like Ms. Schaefer is writing from experience. Sounds like someone's got the blues: the "my man said he loved me a minute ago, but now he's watching The History Channel like someone who doesn't love me, so I ask again, and he just looks back and smiles, but doesn't SAY he loves me AGAIN, so he must not" blues.
'Why can they not remember our birthdays? Let science explain some of these conundrums—and help you rev up your relationships!"
First, "Why can they not remember our birthdays" is a terrible sentence. Whoever let that one slide through is a not a good editor. Also,I don't think "not remember[ing]" (i.e. forgetting) someone's -anyone's- birthday qualifies as a conundrum. If you forget someone's birthday it's becuase you/'re a) busy, b) remembered, but you were too lazy to jump on it, and forgot, or c) didn't forget; you just don't care. Any of these answers will do anything but "rev up" your relationship. Unless by 'rev up' you mean 'end'.
Moving on:
"Be patient with his memory. The hippocampus, where initial memories are formed, occupies a smaller percent of the male brain than the female brain. If on your first date he can't remember where you work, even though you told him all about it when you met, just remember that size matters … hippocampus size, that is. Don't take it personally."
I'll give you a second to savor that tasty morsel...
(Important tip: when writing a patronzing online articles for women about men, be sure to pepper it with hi-larious dick jokes. It's a sure-fire way to keep them double-clicking their mouse.)
Yes, the male brain is like a toaster. Don't stand there with your arms crossed tapping your foot, waiting for the answer to pop out like a warm strudel, be patient. Also, depending on the "darkness", or "inanity" of the question you ask, you must adjust your time expectation accordingly.
Oh, and also: that night you met at the bar and he came up to you all shitfaced and bought you a drink and asked where you worked, and you told him that you work in blah-blah? He wasn't listening. He was staring at your tits. Yours, or the girl's behind you. So give his hippocampus a break, will ya? Everytime he thinks of where you work, he will remember your (or her) tits, and how great they looked that night. I fully admit to the doucheyness of this last remark, but goddamnit, it's the truth.
"Oh, and don't be surprised when, months down the line, he has no clue you've just changed your hair."
This one makes my head hurt! If I'm understanding this sentence: she is warning the female reader not to take umbrage when months after said reader cuts her hair if her male partner fails not only to not notice that her hair has changed (if, say, you cut your hair, wouldn't it be long again?) but also, to not acknowledge the precice moment -(to borrow from Schaefer) the "just"ness- it was cut? What Herculean mental feats must men accomplish to keep Her Lady Schaefer's favor!?
Trust me, it gets worse. Feel free to read the rest here. I'd suggest drinking bleach instead.
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