Couple O' Dudes (With A Bad Attitude)

Walking down Irving, I see two dudes. One: tall skinny black guy, The Other: little fat white fuck with a beard. Both of them shitfaced (it's 10am) with that signature unwashed look about them. Take that back: One's filth was more by association to The Other. All that was missing from my checklist was the unmistakable fragrance: "Churn," I think it's called; the scent of a full grown pantspooper.

As they approach, I can tell The Other's Butthead to the One's Beavis. The Other and I are on a collision course; eventually, one of us has to move. I'm on autopilot, thinking more about my disappointing $12 breakfast than the possibility of a physical altercation with a filthy person. That's when, instead of yielding, little fat white fuck decides to be a badass. "Hell's Angels are in town! Get the fuck out of my way, *Miller Highlife!" and does that shoulder-check thing he saw on DeGrassi Jr. High as I try to squeeze past.

I didn't react so it didn't escalate. We continued our separate paths. On that alone, it's nothing worth blogging about (what is? correct answer: nothing); just another reminder that some people suck. The reason I mention it is that it's my most recent experience where, replaying the incident in my mind afterward, I imagine things differently:

EXT: Day.

Ninja Bill walks down Irving street, minding his own. From the opposite direction, two intoxicated miscreants approach. As they pass Ninja Bill, the shorter, wobblier, more fuckface-looking of the two shoulder checks Ninja Bill.

Intoxicated Miscreant #1:

Hell's Angels are in town!

Get the fuck outta my way,

Miller Highlife.

Losing his balance, Ninja Bill falls into a woman carrying a newborn baby. The Woman loses her grip of the baby, sending it airborne. Crashing into a fruit stand, Ninja Bill sees the falling baby, extends his arms just in time, and catches her. Cradling the baby, Ninja Bill gets up. He hands the baby back to it's mother.

Ninja Bill:

She's okay.

Woman:

OMG! My baby! Thank you, sir.

You're completely awesome.

Ninja Bill:

I know!

watch this.

A small crowd of onlookers has formed. Their timing is excellent, as they are about to witness a memorable display of martial arts virtuosity...

I'm on day-two of a two-day hangover. I don't have it in me right now to finish this, and I'm sort of stuck on ideas of how to finish it without it reading like the work of an eighth grader. As it stands, I don't think it's possible. Also, right now, my bosses are in a conference room directly behind me. If they felt like looking they could probably see what I'm typing. I really don't want to explain "Ninja Bill" to someone who signs my paycheck.

*Disappointingly, this was not a non sequitor shout-out to Miller Highlife. I was wearing a Miller Highlife vest at the time. This was just his way of showing affection. Something, he picked up from his close friend, George W. Bush, no doubt. "Miller highlife vest, huh?" Yes, I know: very ironic, and very hip (circa 2002).