Starting a new job is difficult, settling in takes time, and the interim between "new guy" and "that guy" is cattywampus. Determining when and where to take a shit -creating a "poop schedule"- is essential, as not establishing one prolongs "uneasiness". In the long-term, not having a consistent "window of oppurpoonity" can lead to disillusionment, despair, and the possibility of shitting your pants at work (i.e. social death). For those of you looking to start a new job, what follows is a list of guidelines to help you.
Be Mindful Of Others
Your new coworkers already have a consistent poop schedule. Knowing when they poop is the key to knowing when you can poop. As the "new guy" (if you're reading this, I'm assuming you're male. As we know: 'girls don't poop'. Hence, the information provided below is of no consequence to the female reader. An upcoming article entitled, "Where Do I Lay My Golden Eggs?"will offer advice to women on how to address their unique condition in the workplace) you do not want to find yourself "storming in" or disrupting a coworker's personal journey. Doing so can lead to tension between you and said pooper. Successive interruptions can quickly earn you a reputation as a "maverick"; creating fear and distrust. If you continue this course, news of your recklessness can spread through the office, reaching senior management or HR, and resulting in possible disciplinary action or termination.
"Location, Location, Location"
Depending on the layout of your office, you may have more than one place to poop. If this is true of your workplace, consider yourself lucky, as this distributes your coworkers, and eases the pressure. Take stock of your fellow coworkers. Notice where their workstation is, and use that to inform your choice. Some offices have tragic floorplans; placing the single, attractive worker's station adjacent to a single occupant restroom. If this is the case, heed this advice: assume all sounds from this restroom are audible, all odors are traceable, that everyone in that vicinity knows how long you're in there (rule of thumb: more than 3 minutes equals "you're taking a shit, I'm picturing it in my mind, and we're never having sex"), and avoid using this restroom. Playing it safe in this fashion will help your odds of having intercourse at the holiday party. If this is your only option, I suggest you shit before or after work, during your lunch break, or not at all. Alternatively, if you harbor no attraction for this person (or any of their friends) make them The One: the one person you subject to your foulness on a daily basis. There's no substitute for a daily dose of schadenfreude.
Don't Laugh
The first two guidelines should help you to avoid acknowledging or interacting with a majority of your coworkers (as they abide by these rules). But as there are no guarantees in life, there are none in the bathroom. Inevitably, you will find yourself in the unenviable situation of sharing the bathroom with a superior. The shit habits of upper management are highly unpredictable: they tend to be older, less inhibited about shitting, with erratic schedules, a rich diet, and a stressful job. Eventually, these elements coalesce into a "perfect shitstorm", that lands them in the stall next to you. First, I suggest coughing, sniffling, rustling the newspaper, or tearing off some T.P. to alert them of your presence. This is not to deter them -that is impossible; they plan to unleash- this is simply a way to avoid giving them the "silent treatment", which is creepy. Prepare yourself: your boss is an unabashedly noisy shitter. Expect many plops and pops. As Americans, our upbringing has taught us to regard these sounds as the height of comedic genius; except when it's your boss, and it's their ass making those sounds. Do not under any circumstances, snicker, giggle, chortle, or guffaw. Such a response could quickly find your personal affects in a box and you being escorted out by security. Do not laugh at your boss' diahrea farts.
Keep an Open Mind To Seize the Opportunity
Sometimes, you need to make the most of situation. If you find yourself sharing a stall with a coworker, listen closely to understand their ways. We weren't all taught the same skills growing up, so it's possible the person next to you knows a few new tricks. If it's a superior next to you, show them you've got the right stuff: push hard, piss like you're trying to erode the porcelain, and take short confident wipes using minimal paper. Exude confidence, experience, and adaptability at the shitter. It's a way to communicate non-verbally that you have management potential. While it may not come up in your review, you can be sure it crossed their mind.
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