When Things Go Terribly Wrong: A True Story Of Failure & Immasculation

On the evening of September 6, 2006, 51 year old Portland nurse Susan Kuhnhausan came home from her shift wanting nothing more than to relax. Her right arm cradled a grocery bag. Her right hand clasped a stack of bills. Her left hand removed the keys from her purse. She unlocked the door, nudged it, and entered. Her right foot shut the door behind her. She set the mail and the groceries on the antique by the entry. She got hit over the head with a claw hammmer.

The stranger wielding the weapon, Edward Dalton Haffey, intended to kill Mrs. Kuhnhausan. He believed his strength combined with the mechanical advantage of a claw hammer would quickly dispatch his victim, a woman more than 20 years his senior. "A few cracks and she's a goner." he quipped to himself in the aisle at Ace Hardware. "A hammer's cheaper than a handgun. Anything more than five bucks is a waste."

Michael James Kuhnhausen Sr., Mrs. Kuhnhausen's estranged husband, the owner of a local adult video store, Mr. Haffey's boss, and the man hiring Mr. Haffey to murder his wife, didn't think to inform Mr. Haffey - a man of slight physique- that his wife was not a "garden-variety" 51 year old nurse; that his $5 purchase was not only a poor choice of murder implement, but that it would offer Mr. Haffey no protection from Mrs. Kuhnhausen.

Soon after the initial blow, a struggle ensued between Mrs. Kuhnhausen and Mr. Haffey.

With minimal effort, Mrs Kuhhausen managed to wrest the clawhammer from Mr. Haffey, and overtake him. Without a weapon, Mr Haffey resorted to biting. This method proved useless against Mrs. Kuhhausen's superior strength. She wrapped her relatively large hands around Mr Haffey's relatively thin neck, and proceeded choking him.

The autopsy confirmed that Mr Haffey succumbed to asphyixiation brought on by being a "complete pansy dumbshit who got his wimpy ass choked to death by someones grandma".

His name, and the name of her husband have both made the short list for this year's "World's Biggest Loser/Pussy" competition.

Nice one, guys.